Voldemort Gives Harry A Sign, Repeatedly!
by jennifer snape
Summary: Harry stubbed his toe. Hermione screamed. “Aaarrgh! It’s a sign from Voldemort! Don’t move, Harry, I’ll get Dumbledore!” Short spoof.
1. Chapter 1

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Voldemort Gives Harry A Sign (Repeatedly!)

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It was a normal day in the Gryffindor common room. Normal, that is, UNTIL -

"ATCHOO!" Harry sneezed.

"Aaargh!" The colour drained from Hermione's face. "It's a sign from Voldemort!"

Harry raised his eyebrows in confusion. "Err – I _sneezed_, Hermione." He reached over to pat Hermione on the back, but overbalanced and fell over the side of the couch.

"AAARRRGGH! The Dark Lord is controlling your movements - we're all doomed!" Hermione clutched his arms in fright.

Harry dusted himself off, rolling his eyes. "Look, for goodness' sake - "

He got up quickly and in his haste, stubbed his toe and winced in annoyance as the sharp pain shot through his foot.

"OH MY GOD!" Hermione cried, quite beside herself. "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is getting stronger! Don't move – I'll get Dumbledore!"

"_Hermione!_ For the last _time_ - "

No use, she quickly sped out of the room.

Later that evening, Harry finally settled again on the couch in exhaustion. He had spent the entire day calming an inconsolable Hermione whilst conducting an in-depth interview with Rita Skeeter regarding Voldemort's horrific attempts on his life (i.e. the toe-stubbing and the sneeze).

Suddenly, without warning -

"OUCH!" Harry's scar throbbed and he winced in pain. "HERMIONE! HERMIONE!" he gasped, his hand flying to his forehead. "IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! VOLDEMORT MUST BE - "

Hermione twirled a strand of her hair round her finger. "I wonder if that new L'Oréal shampoo would suit me?"


	2. Chapter 2

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**Chapter 2**

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It was a normal morning in the Great Hall. Normal, of course, UNTIL –

_SCRAPE_. Harry buttered his toast.

"AAAARRRGGGHHH!" Twenty-seven Gryffindors instantly dived for cover.

Harry looked at them all incredulously. "What on earth are you all doing?"

Hermione tried to speak but her hand was clamped over her mouth in shock. Finally, after forty minutes, she managed to voice their fears.

"It's just – it's just – you usually butter your toast from left to right, but – but just now you buttered it in the opposite direction! It must be a sign from You-Know-Who!"

Harry rolled his eyes in annoyance and thumped his head on the table in exasperation. _Is she really being serious?_

Hermione immediately dived towards him. "WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?" she cried. "IS YOUR SCAR HURTING AGAIN?"

_No, but my brain is after listening to you lunatics._

Harry spent the better part of thirty-five minutes explaining to everyone that they weren't all going to die just because of his breakfast. He started to get up from the table, when suddenly –

'Hisssssssseentia sorrrrrrrrrpentiarrrrrrroooooo!' 

Harry gripped the sides of his head as the noise flooded his senses and he turned around wildly, trying to locate the source of the Parseltongue. Of course, no one else heard it.

"Hermione…!" Harry choked as the hissing became louder. "It's happening again…!"

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"Oh for God's sake, put a sock in it," Hermione scolded him. "No one likes an attention seeker."


	3. Chapter 3

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**Chapter 3**

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Everything was normal in Hogwarts school….

That is, Harry was having a terrible time and everybody was completely oblivious.

Harry entered an empty room that had a giant 'KEEP OUT UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE' sign on it, thinking that it would be a good place to study.

Uh-oh. Bad move, Harry.

Before he knew what was happening, Voldemort stepped out of the shadows and raised his wand.

"_Doorus lockus!_"

The Dark Lord shouted out the door-locking charm that he had just invented on the spot and, would you know, it worked. He then pointed his wand squarely at Harry's chest. "This is where it ends," he snarled coldly, as red eyes met green.

"AAAARRRRGGH! HERMIONE!" Harry shouted wildly. "HERMIONE! It's VOLDEMORT! He's here in this room with me! I haven't got my wand…please…DO SOMETHING!"

Hermione's voice piped out from the other side of the door. "Oh Harry, stop showing off," she snapped. "Haven't you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf?" She shook her head reprovingly and continued to file her nails. _Always has to be in the limelight, that one_, she thought to herself.

SUDDENLY there was an urgent newsflash on Seamus' radio and Hermione looked up.

"…_and that was The Weird Sisters' new single. We now interrupt this broadcast to bring breaking news…The Dark Lord has just appeared in Hogwarts school and_ - "

Hermione screamed and jumped up. "Oh my GOD! I don't believe it!" Her jaw dropped open. "The Weird Sisters have a new single out!"


	4. Chapter 4

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**Chapter 4**

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Hermione, Ron and Harry were walking along a dark, deserted, eerie school corridor.

"Why are all the corridors in Hogwarts dark, deserted and eerie?" Ron asked.

Harry shrugged. "You know, I never gave it much thought."

SUDDENLY, (there's always a suddenly), some blood-red words started to appear on the wall in front of them.

_I AM GOING TO GET YOU, HARRY._

"Oooh, look at that!" Ron exclaimed, pointing to the inscription. "Looks like someone has a crush on you, Harry." He made kissing noises.

Voldemort, who was hiding in the shadows, exhaled impatiently and erased the words with a flick of his wand. He thought perhaps he had better be more specific, and replaced it with a more straightforward sentence.

_YOU WILL DIE, HARRY._

No one batted an eyelid.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. _These people really are idiots_. He added yet another line.

_SIGNED, VOLDEMORT_.

Hermione cocked her head to one side and thought for a minute. "That should really be _Yours Sincerely_, you know."


	5. Chapter 5

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**Chapter 5**

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It was another average, run-of-the-mill, not-in-any-way-odd-at-all day in Hogwarts. That is, Harry had been entered into fifteen different life-threatening wizarding tournaments, all of which had been banned for seven thousand years because, to cut a long story short, basically everyone who entered died. Nothing unusual there, then.

Before Dumbledore allowed these events to take place in the school, however, he of course had to ask a few routine questions.

"What safety measures are put in place to ensure that the students are not harmed?" he queried.

The Minister of Magical Tournaments That No One In Their Right Mind Would Ever Enter checked his clipboard. "None whatsoever."

"I see," Dumbledore replied. "And what are the chances of the contestants getting out alive?"

"Non-existent."

"Would you let anyone you know enter?"

"You must be joking."

Dumbledore rubbed his hands together. "Excellent! Where do I sign?"

The day of the first event arrived and Harry was told that he had to duel with an opponent whilst balancing forty-two elves on his head, playing the national anthem on a flute and riding a unicycle.

Piece of cake. I mean, imagine if it had been something really difficult.

Hermione came running up. "Harry, Harry, do you think you'll be alright? What you have to do is first of all steady yourself on the unicycle, then sort out the elves before – "

"Hermione," Harry snapped, "don't fuss, I'll be fine."

But – oh dear –

Guess who his opponent turned out to be…. That's right, Voldemort!

"Hermione!" Harry gasped, losing all concentration. All the elves promptly fell off his head. "Ron! Professor Dumbledore! Voldemort is here, he's somehow – "

But they all hissed at him angrily before turning back to the TV that they were all huddled around. "Shhh! _Neighbours_ just started."


	6. Chapter 6

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**Chapter 5**

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Voldemort aimed his wand at the wizard before him and a triumphant cackle escaped his lips.

"So!" he exclaimed, barely able to contain his glee. "You never thought that this day would come, did you? Powerless to defend yourself, with my wand pointed straight at your heart!"

"Er…that's my left foot," Harry pointed out helpfully.

"Oh, er right – thank you," Voldemort replied, blushing, and pointing at his heart correctly this time. The Dark Lord composed himself once more. "I'm going to finish you off, Harry," he whispered menacingly. "First I tried to kill you, but your mother stopped me…then I tried to kill you again but that wand-connecting-thingy-doo-dah…." His sentence trailed off as he struggled to remember the name.

"Do you mean Priori Incantatem?" Harry interrupted.

"Oh, er yes, that's the one," the Dark Lord mumbled. He rubbed his nose embarrassedly. "Anyway, _this_ time I've got you..._nothing_ will stop me –

Harry didn't know what to do.

So he blinked.

Fortunately, and quite by chance, blinking happened to be a forgotten form of complex magic that Dumbledore had invented in order to get Harry out of a sticky situation, and within seconds the young wizard found himself sunning himself on a beach towel in the Bahamas. What are the chances?

Harry, still shaking from the shock of it all, sent an emergency postcard to Ron and Hermione, clearly stating:

VOLDEMORT JUST TRIED TO KILL ME AGAIN. TELL DUMBLEDORE AT ONCE.

(Why didn't he just send it to Dumbledore?)

Hundreds of miles away, Hermione read the chilling message and gasped, the postcard instantly dropping from her hand. She turned to Ron, completely dumbfounded.

"I don't believe it!" she shrieked. "This managed to arrive here and the stamp hasn't even been sealed!"


End file.
